Sacrament fosters loving, lasting unions
By Lidia Wasowicz
The secret to success in marriage starts with a Church wedding that binds earthly spouses to the divine.
Just ask Katherine Ambrose and her fiancé Mark Prine as they finalize decor and travel details for the June 14 Christ-centered celebration they see as a launch to a healthy, holy partnership.
Or newlyweds Leland and Summer Joyce, who bucked trends of civil ceremonies and cohabitation without benefit of clergy and opted instead for a nuptial Mass last summer to up the odds of an eternally happy ending to their love story.
Or Sugey and Jimi Netniss, convinced their selection of a spiritual covenant over a secular contract firmed the foundation for 20 endearing, enduring years together.
Following prescribed steps from meeting to starting a family leads to clearer discernment of “choosing your spouse, the greatest single decision you’ll make,” said Ambrose, who plans to walk down the aisle at St. Bartholomew Church in Cape Elizabeth, Maine, her childhood parish.
“By choosing not to live together, we are able to practice sacrificial love, which we will need in marriage,” added the 35-year-old occupational therapist and parishioner at St. Philip the Apostle Church in San Francisco who is moving to her new home in Oregon.
A past failure makes fellow Catholic Prine, 46, a general contractor in Yamhill, Oregon, agree all the more.
“Since I’ve been in a previous marriage that was not sacramental/valid, I’ve experienced the struggle of sustaining a marriage without God’s grace,” he said. “What I am looking forward to the most is drawing from God’s grace to help us through the difficult times and amplify the good times.”
Desiring to draw from God’s grace, the Joyces — both inspired by faith-filled family and teachers since their formative years — considered only one option for cementing their commitment.
With more than 100 well-wishers looking on, they exchanged their “I dos” before Msgr. Michael Padazinski at St. Patrick Parish in Larkspur, where the bride attended school.
Almost in unison, Summer, 27, a project manager for a Japanese trading house, and Leland, 33, a service manager now residing in Houston, declared, “I didn’t even consider marrying outside the Church!”
The decision came with equal alacrity for the Netnisses.
Sugey, a former Central Valley and San Francisco Bay Area real estate agent now living in Modesto and tending to the couple’s seven children, has a faith-seeped perspective that infuses “every part of my life.”
“I married in the Catholic Church 20 years ago because I fell in love,” she recalled. “Having a sacramental marriage meant I was committing ‘till death do us part’ before God, the highest form of commitment and expression of love.”
Her husband Jimi, 46, general manager of a utility company in Turlock, committed and expressed love by trading dates at a wedding and pursuing his dream partner with the assistance of a persuasive priest, jobs and religion — from leading Bible study in a Protestant church to returning to his roots and teaching Scripture to young adults and aspiring Catholics in the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults program.
Then, Sugey said, “Yes.”
“I felt God was telling me I didn’t deserve this beautiful, gorgeous woman, but once I came back, we were rooted and grounded in our faith, so we got married in the Church rather than living together or going to Las Vegas,” Jimi reminisced.
The latter two alternatives have gained popularity, even among Catholics, fueled in part by a secularized, hypersexualized culture that promotes selfishness; derides faith; accepts, at times even celebrates, divorce; breeds isolation and loneliness and oversells independence and self-sufficiency, noted Ed Hopfner, director of the archdiocesan Office of Marriage and Family Life.
“It is certainly true that the failure of so many young Catholics to marry in accordance with the laws of the Church is a major crisis,” said Father Bill Thornton, pastor of St. Sebastian Church in Greenbrae, which has hosted no weddings in the past year.
With some exceptions under special circumstances, any baptized, unmarried Catholic who has reached the age of 18 is free to marry in the Church, Hopfner said. Yet only 500 couples chose to do so in the three-county archdiocese in 2023.
As a countermeasure, California bishops have dedicated the 2024-2025 pastoral year to promoting, protecting and promulgating the sacrament of marriage and empowering, embracing and encouraging married couples and families through a campaign dubbed “Radiate Love.” Highlights include monthly reflections, prayers and educational resources touting Holy Matrimony.
“Despite what the culture pushes, we should not aim at relationships that are empty of friction but rather ones that are full of faith,” said Father Michael Hurley, pastor of St. Dominic Church in San Francisco.
He described the ideal as a triangular relationship, with God at the top.
“The closer you get to God, the closer you get to each other,” he added.
Without God, the couple can grow farther apart, Father Hurley said.
“They should know that in a sacramental marriage (between a baptized man and woman) Jesus is personally present with His graces to help them to be faithful, to love and to raise children,” said Father Mark Mazza, pastor of Immaculate Heart of Mary in Belmont.
Such a union is better described as a covenant, said Sean Sullivan, a parishioner at Star of the Sea in San Francisco.
“To get married civilly or just live together is to state the relationship is sentimental,” said the 39-year-old Sebastopol union millwright.
When the personal benefits run out, one or both parties can terminate the contract. In contrast, the God-inclusive covenant stays intact even at times of sin.
“We may be away from Him for decades, but He loves us and wills our best throughout our lives,” Sullivan said. “Marriage reflects this and encourages perseverance over retreating to self despite hurt.”
His wife of nearly 13 years, Christina, 40, a home educator, views living together as a misogynistic “copout.”
“So often (women) are used, frequently abused and left to pick up the pieces while the man moves on to his next conquest,” said the youngest of 11 children of parents who have been together for more than 60 years.
Couples cohabitating as a “test run” for marriage are setting themselves up for failure, she insisted, noting that reconciliation and healing are most effectively brought about through the sacraments.
Her fellow parishioner at Star of the Sea, Maureen Arriola, 48, a South San Francisco nurse practitioner married in April 2005, agrees options outside the Church appear unsure and unstable.
“So why would I put myself in that situation?” she wondered. “No, thank you!”
Arriola enumerated three main benefits of sacramental marriage over civil unions or living together:
• Security, “We vow to be in this marriage for the long haul.”
• Fidelity, “We know we are exclusive to each other.”
• Fruitfulness, “We are open to however many children the Lord blesses us with.”
The Lord has blessed her with four.
“From a purely sociological perspective, the hard data are abundant that people in lifelong monogamous marriages are happier, live longer, make more money, are physically healthier and (enjoy) a host of other benefits (including) a better chance at eternal happiness,” said Father Joseph Illo, pastor of Star of the Sea.
Additional advantages accrue when children arrive on the scene, he added.
“Life is crazy, marriage seems impossible, and I need as much help as possible! That’s where the Church’s guidance and grace bestowed upon us through the sacraments give us the ability to survive this mess that is life and dare I say find joy in it,” Christina Sullivan said. “Kids will eventually ask questions and it sure is nicer to lean on 2,000-plus years of wisdom than to have to invent my own answers.”
Relying on 2,000-plus years of wisdom to answer her children’s questions, Kristina Victor, a 34-year-old management consultant married in 2015, cited numerous examples of how her faith fashions her family life.
Her daughters, ages 1 and 3, love to visit “Jesus’ house” on the Santa Clara University campus where Victor studied, met, fell in love with and married her husband Andy and continues to worship at the mission.
While attending the Stations of the Cross, little Madeleine worried about the “bad guys” crucifying Jesus. On their next visit, she brought bandages to heal His “boo-boos,” Victor related.
At bedtime, the 3-year-old asks Mommy to pray the Hail Mary and sing a hymn she learned at the devotion.
The family often discusses heaven where we pray Victor’s father and infant niece reside, paving the path to such serious conversations with the youngsters earlier than expected, “letting them know there are family members with God who loves and watches over us.”
“I don’t believe our church wedding on its own has impacted this, but rather the way we’ve chosen to live by our vows to one another from that day forward,” Victor said. “We’ve built a solid foundation of love and partnership that has had a visible impact on how our children understand and show love.”
In character, Madeleine willingly gave her Halloween and Christmas candy “for the kids who didn’t get any.”
Enamored of her parents, the youngster already is planning her wedding, practicing several times a week during dress-up time.
“When Madeleine asked if one day she can get married, I told her yes, but first she has to find a partner as loving as her daddy when she grows up,” Victor said.
In dealing with their daily lives, couples have found useful what they picked up during the required prenuptial preparation process.
In the San Francisco Archdiocese, according to Hopfner, it includes an introductory meeting with the priest or deacon to ascertain freedom to marry and ability to consent to do so, an informational class on the sacrament and its practical applications, and a compatibility survey on topics ranging from finances, joint accounts, jobs and pets to in-laws, sex, friends and children.
St. Dominic Church’s six-month program of retreats, online catechesis, discussions with Father Hurley and a professional therapist and group talk with other couples has garnered such renown, it attracts non-Catholics and non-parishioners willing to travel a distance to attend.
While always warm and welcoming, “we want full engagement, (not someone aiming) to check the box because Grandma wants it,” Father Hurley said. “My pastoral experience says meet them where they are, but don’t lower the bar; rather raise the bar and give them a stepping stool.”
The Netnisses needed no stepping stool, taking the preparation at their Modesto parish so seriously, they felt as ready for their nuptial Mass and 10-and-a-half-hour dinner-dance reception for 450 guests as they did for the two decades that followed.
“We met many couples who shared their stories, advice and wisdom with us,” Sugey recalled. “We hold those talks dear to our hearts today and still have relationships with some of those couples.”
They also have retained recommendations on how to center their family life around God, eating meals together, praying the rosary daily, attending Mass every Sunday, ensuring their offspring receive the sacraments, avoiding distractions like social media and following the faith through such memorable activities as washing the children’s feet on Holy Thursday.
Recognizing its value, the Vatican recently called for more extensive marriage preparation. As one response, the San Francisco Archdiocese encourages parishes to ask engaged couples to select a sponsor to accompany them before and after the wedding, Hopfner said.
“There is a certain amount of ‘figure it out for yourself’ in any marriage, but there are also a lot of good tools that almost every couple would benefit from,” he noted. “Every significant vocation — doctors, lawyers, teachers, priests — generally requires ongoing education and formation, but in the Catholic Church, for some reason, one of the most important vocations of all, marriage, is often not given the support it needs.”
Among resources he recommended: “Unveiled,” sponsored by the John Paul II Healing Center in Tallahassee, Florida, https://jpiihealingcenter.org/unveiled/, and the “Online Gottman Method Couples Therapy in California,” https://shorturl.at/FmbE5.
“The whole point of marriage is to better prepare your spouse for the gift of eternal life in heaven,” said Christina Sullivan, who helps run a marriage and family apostolate at Star of the Sea.
“Romance lasts only a short time, but marriage, while it requires more work and sacrifice, pays out much greater dividends over the long run,” said Father Illo. “Are you a short-term investor/adventurer or do you want to build up lifelong security and happiness, not to mention eternal life?”
Award-winning journalist Wasowicz, former West Coast science editor and senior science writer for United Press International, has been writing for Catholic San Francisco since 2011.